today is an ordinary day. although it was felt quite differently compared to other days. 

as usual, I play with Hailey in the morning and then go to work. I rushed a lot and was chased left-right, and I felt my heart race the whole day from the tension. 

I’ve also been kind of more emotional these 2-3days. so although having a fast-paced workplace isn’t something new, today I just felt especially nostalgic for the past. 

I rushed a lot of work, then ran out for a quick lunch by myself cos that’s the fastest way to get it done, then I got scammed by an uncle who sold me a rotted avocados by quickly throwing it into a bag and then tying a dead knot over it when I asked for his advice on one that’s ripe for tomorrow. We even chatted about how I’m buying it for my baby and he still decided to scam me anyway. but well that’s just one small thing that happened. 

so on the way home, I thought about how I missed feeling the way I did in school. when my steps felt lighter, when I’d engage in the most awesomely useless hobbies like browsing for jokes, like when I’d make my hair and play dress up in my room so that I’d feel cute. I’m not discounting the challenges back then too, but oh what a mood back then. I mean, I wouldn’t go back to it, but I’d sure love to bring some of those better moments into the present.

It’s great now but boy do I miss youth. I left work at 830pm, and put on my earpiece to search for a song I hadn’t heard in years. it’s rather early, yes, but I wanted to just send out the most urgent items first, then go home so I might hopefully see Hailey again before she sleeps, before picking up the other tasks once she’s in bed. Well spoiler here, I didn’t reach in time for that. I’ll see her tomorrow :) she’s the light of my life. She got me running from the mrt back to my house so that I might see her just for a little while. It’s a blessing to have someone that makes you want to run hahah. I figured when she’s asleep I’d pick up where I left off, and do those ‘2359’ tasks I’d promised, but I ended up here cos I think I deserve some me time. (I’m super tired though, I really want to sleep)

But anyway, back to that mrt ride. 

So I put on a song from a Taiwanese idol drama that instantly brought me back to those earlier years. when I looked up in the carriage, as if I was starring in a local short film, I saw myself in the reflection of those mrt panels. good lord did I look leathered. I know, it’s so dramatic, but that’s what it was.

I thought about how awkward it’d be if I wear a frilly sundress now, as I sat in the day’s grime in an oversized thick black unisex shirt, with office-friendly loose pants to match. A very minimal bag that tries to say absolutely nothing, no statement at all, so that I may blend into anonymity where I’ll be safe from judgement and recognition, and the kicker is that it isn’t even chic and minimal cos it’s stuffed with daily necessities like an umbrella, emergency loose tissues, and plastic bags. 

There is no flavour to this look. I have shoes that I love, they’d be so cute if I’d had on a buoyant A-shaped skirt, but with the rest of my outfit, my unkempt hair, and spectacles that has accumulated so many scratches you’d think it’s frosted, I just looked like the leftover fibers of a juiced apple. Dry as heck. 

I do so want to wear a cute frilly dress. I want to not feel embarrassed to look like I’m having fun. But I’d be appalled if someone saw me looking feminine now. 

In a very pathetic attempt to change something, I let my hair down. it didn’t fall freely cos it’s been strung up the whole day, so it remained curled and tucked introverted against the sides of my neck, and then I put on a mask cos I thought I might cry. and we all know, when all these conditions are met, the chances of bumping into your high school crush becomes exceedingly high so I had to make sure I wouldn’t be recognized. 

how tragic to have become like this. 

but yknow, I think it’s just my ___ thats weighing me down. when I have the ability to free myself from the incessant grind, im sure I can rejuvenate into my favourite kind of me. i can’t see when that might be, but I’ll try to figure it out. 

Kk cmi alr gotta sleep. didn’t even do the 2359 tasks but I’ve already accomplished a lot today. guess I’ll have to eat into my PH tomorrow.