Sunday, April 28, 2013

Hwee Tze sang this in class once haha :D
Happy,cute, sneaaaky and mischievous song.
BHB MUCH HAHA (@pearl)

I'm usually the grouchy one in this relationship, and Chris'd comfort me like a mom does a child when she drops her ice cream and throws a tantrum or something, but today he found a mouldy cherry tomato in the box of treats he'd been looking forward to, and was very disappointed. So cute, I tell you. Like a kid! He was like " *sob expression* How?? So I cannot eat the whole box? Not even this one at the corner?"


Hahaha you guys know right, one mouldy tomato=a box of germs/mould pollen. I suppose usually we'd just wash thoroughly and go ahead with consumption, but it's exam week and he's got a paper tomorrow. Better not take the risk. We could get more cherry tomatoes next time!

I'm happy with my purchase hehe I got myself some fresh China Fuji Apples that the NTUC man had just dropped off his fruit cart.
Awesome. It's got this crunch when you bite into it, and then sweet clear nectar will permeate your mouth just a second following that. Mmm yummy.

Anyway look what I've found. This girl does the Man dance so well. Plus, her arms are so toned, sexy much.


I haven't really been feeling well so and because i'm doing poorly in school due to my laziness and lack of drive/stamina...but tonight I feel better because someone's cherry tomatoes are in the trash hahahahaha.
just kidding'.

Actually I feel better because life goes on and there are still things to be thankful for, such as my supportive family, my supportive friends Esther (esp for last night) and Pearlyn, and my supportive Chris. Also my great friends in Aki, the pornobridge gang. Oh and I met Beatrice at dinner today! She's for the bfast gang to meet up during the break, yay I'd love to see them.

Saturday, April 27, 2013
Funny how we say 'lol' when we're gna follow through with something that's not funny.
"lol, I got kicked out of class."
"lol, I lost a match today."
"lol, I'm kind of sick of myself."

There are some words that I don't like to bring myself to say, and "motivation" is one of them. I use to google for it, a digital and psychological search for what I felt I lacked, but the word now tastes like scum when it borders on the brink of my mind, just before it leaps off my mouth. I'm done searching for it. It's too much of a snob, I cant handle this bitch, alright? But Lord save me, I still want her so much. I want to want her, but I just can't get my libido up. I really don't know why I've lost interest in being my best and in doing well in school. Sometimes I'm so sick of being such a slob that I...that I...I don't know lol I haven't really thought about that.

I feel like I just need to get away from everything. From my current context. From nus, from Singapore, from the people around me, from myself, so that I can reset myself and be back to normal. Maybe having a goal would help. Pearl said it would. I cant identify with any common goals though. Great certs for great pay and hence by default great life? As of now an affluent life isn't really something I'd work hard for though. I just want an average, happy life, and I'm happy now, when I dont think about how I should secure the same happiness for my future self.  The chair I'm sitting on makes my back ache. I want to get off but there's no alternative that would bring about greater comfort. Funny how this physical condition mirrors my situation huh? No, not funny: lol.

I'm screwing myself up.

Thursday, April 25, 2013
Today I blog, for the first time I can remember, without any strong or extreme feelings. Not miserable nor angry, or excited either. I'm just the usual me today. Just musing on a cloud in the sky. It's exam time. Just saying. Idk why that's important but I just wanted to say it.

Chris is singing while he studies. I'm being my usual wasted self so I'm not singing nor studying. Idk why I'm wasted. I don't even drink. I keep wanting to eat and sleep these days. The former because I just want to fill myself up to feel more real, and the latter because I don't, so I sleep the emptiness away. I want to leave all these tedious things behind. Idk what's tedious but I just feel exhausted. I feel as though im on a train and I desperately want to get off but this train will only stop when life ends, so idk, I don't really want life to end, I just want the ride to stop. Call it motion sickness maybe, but I'm sick of this.

Anyway someone committed suicide over at Utown recently. A yr1 boy called Peter. I wouldn't want to say I'm affected by the news, but I do think about this quite often. He reminds me of Joy from The Three Idiots Hindi movie. Those not familiar with the plot please don't misunderstand, I'm not calling anyone an idiot. Joy was, in fact, a brilliant student. In the movie, he hung himself in his room and when he was found, scrawled across the room was: I give up. He was just never good enough even though he worked hard and made it to the most prestigious school in India. His father cried over his grave during the burial. I suppose all he really wanted was for his son to be healthy and happy. Yet maybe Joy's suicide was for the best despite that, because then he lives on as a brillant and full of potential young man in his father's heart. Had he struggled, who is to say that he wouldnt have simply died at an elder age but with less apparent potential and more failures to mar others' impression of him? People often lament over the death of others and call it a pity, but is it really? A pity, i mean. I myself wouldn't harm myself lethally like that, because I have a lot to be thankful for and because I greed for more time with those whom I love, but that isn't to say that I've never fantasized about ending things because those same people whom I live for might be better off without me lol. or perhaps it's my pride. I don't want people who matter to see me fall so I'd rather just stop existing and hence by default, remove all hope and expectations leveraged on me. Maybe then I'd have enough weight off my shoulders to be able to float towards heaven. Ya ok suicide victims deserve hell right sorry lor bye all you heaven-bound people.

It might be a bit perverse to smile right now, but

Friday, April 19, 2013

Why do people marry when they've gone into adulthood, when love is the purest when you're a child?

I'm into the digimon theme song butterfly. It's somehow touching to me because the song paints an image in my head and because it is an impossible dream to have a group of friends and their monster best friends charge towards the future with such zest and determination.

Thursday, April 18, 2013
I wish I were happy. Sometimes I truly am, but that is not enough because I want to be happy in general, not to have mere occasional happy instances that in sum, are only cherished moments and not the norm.

I don't want to have to deal with all the people who give me a reason to be miserable, but sometimes these people have once given me joy and I hang on to them out of gratitude and in hopes that my offer of everlasting friendship will more than account for the meaning they have once brought into my life. This conflict stresses and wears me out, but I don't feel that I can talk about it because it plagues me frequently but voicing that frustration every time I feel it makes me feel like a whiny and distasteful person. I don't want to unload my unhappiness on those who are willing to listen because I appreciate that they are willing to be there for me, and I only want to give them my best, but sometimes I seek refuge here to connect with people who bother enough to read about me via this blog, so sorry that you readers bear the brunt of my misery.

Should I walk away because trying is not worth it? If I do, it would seem that I have given up on her when in reality, I am the one who had been discarded. I suppose I have outlived my purpose in her life now that she has someone new. If I were a soft toy, I'd be that old teddy that sits at the back of a cupboard; ready to be picked up again, but with the knowledge that Sally would be happier and more occupied with her iPad or something.

I wish that people would love me more and maybe then I might be whole, because happiness isn't intrinsic like all those smart-asses out there say. It cannot be intrinsic because human beings crave connection and gain meaning through shared experiences. I think I'm just hurt. I feel really hurt and I want to cry.

I feel so unhappy also because my aki friends are unhappy. I wish there was a solution, but there isn't any that wouldn't damage us. Maybe that's what we are. Damaged.

Sunday, April 7, 2013
"sometimes i feel that my life is just a conquest spurred by the need to feel appreciated."
-this blog, 16 jan 2010

what if I make mistakes.
lord, please don't let me make mistakes. I promise to be good.
I'll be good.

My sleep cycle is once again screwed haha I'm awake till 5 in the morning, but past 9am, don't even think about getting me off my bed.

I think I'm a worrier like my mum.

I think I've fixed myself. I'm in better health now and I don't feel as lost. Now I just want my 20s to be the best part of my life.

Family is my priority.

Thank you for appreciating me. I wish I could reciprocate. I really do.

Envy envy.

What the hell is love. Is it an autonomous feeling stemming from inside, is it a reciprocation, or is it of external construct. Is it a religion based off faith and belief, or is it real. Can it be created or nurtured, or is it instantaneous and definite. It is a distraction, or a purpose in life. Can there be multiple loves or simultaneous ones. What is the distinction between love and true love. Is love the same as romance. Must love have romance. Why are different kinds of love still considered love. This makes love so complicated. No, complex. Is it possible not to love. at all. Is love exciting (butterflies feeling), mundane (making coffee for your hubby every morning), or disgusting (watching your wife go through labour, wiping your baby's ass clean of poo).

Can one love be greater than another, and how significant is commitment in all these?


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