Thursday, May 26, 2016
So adult life is lonesome. I figured that out last night ao I sent my dad a heart emoji for no reason and he thought id sent it wrongly. Lol no heart for Pearlyn is normally yellow, to Esther red but sometimes I choose green, and to Chris, a strict blue.

school isn't easy. I'm not gna tell my kid he or she has nothing to complain about just because I might prefer primary school to working life. It's got it's own challenges too, and for a 7 to 12year old, it can be tormenting to wonder why your parents put you in a system where your free time is subjected to school approval/public holiday privileges, and to wonder why you have to wake up so freaking early because to a child, the system doesn't exist. It makes zero sense to follow the ritual of going to school when I can easily just...sit at home and watch tv all day. .
But the one thing you can't discount from primary or secondary schooling is the opportunities for you to express your character and to make friends with it. The freedom for expression is unparalleled.

Work is different. The people may be really nice and all but if the spatial layout of the office is sterile,  it's just hard to have fun. For a social person like me that is. Okay to be fair, work at Shigeru Ban office and seeing CPG has shown me that it's not always the case, although I ought to be careful with the Ban example since his brilliant staff aren't allowed to chat during work hours much, to show seriousness in work. But as in intern, I had the best time because all the interns were together in an open studio, free to communicate while Photoshopping or making models with the foam cutter etc. I liked going to work then.  CPG on the other hand, has switched to an open plan since the move, and the VP is an awesome fun expressive guy so I think working there would be less lonesome. The staff somewhat chat too although because of the nature of work and it's need for concentration, the atmosphere is not as brazen as high school. Still, the people there were really awesome too and when I was in CPG they would come over and ask about me whenever they are free. Like lunch time or on the way back from the pantry.

Great thing about work is that it seems (at this point. To me. Who hasn't had a job yet, only internships. But this current internship is at a place I will work at when I graduate, as I've accepted their bond for a tuition sponsorship) work stays in the office. When I go home, I still think a little about work but I don't have to. I think. This is unlike uni, or even high school especially if you do H2 art, where night and day merge into one and every second you're not doing work is a travesty. Weekends spent going to the mall with your family was scarce and when you've already procrastinated homework for so long, having to make a conscious decision and promise to spend yet another 4 hours out walking around with your family just sounds like the wrong choic. even if the procrastination you've made on say, 9gag or even yahoo answers, have already amounted to the gestation of 20 babies. Then again, understand that the procrastination is time taken away from you without needing your permission, whereas saying you'd hang out requires a verbal promise and an acknowledgement of your lazy bug.

Okay so. the point is. work is like this. It was like that when I worked at the cheesecake cafe, and at the starhub admin position, as well as now. Adult life is so very lonesome and the only real connection I have is with my best friend via text. (Even then, I often don't reply in real time. It's like letter-sending speed, where we each write tons but at staggered moments. By moments I may mean days. Yeah sometimes we don't talk for days because we spam each other with so much content that we have to find a good time to settle down and form a reply). Chris is always working too, albeit from home, but because of that he doesn't have a clear distinction between work and life, and he's always working on we cook and have dinner together though.

But okay maybe I'm just feeling like this because I've not gotten used to the office style life yet. But I never did get used to feeling like I was robbed away from socializing time and the freedom to be expressive previously. Maybe one day I need to set up my own practice so I can set the tone of my workplace with a higher degree of control/influence. Or maybe I need a career switch. Syah is brave enough to do that, but idk if I will. I feel like I've already been invested in too much. It's expected of me.

That said, life isn't too bad. I just watched a video on my Facebook newsfeed yesterday, of a person throwing himself off a tall building. He hit the pavement like a rag doll. Ironically, knowing that there is always this option to leave the system and the race is what unshackles me from the constraints I feel. Before I ever do that, I could be homeless, I could be a homemaker, and I'd still be somewhat ok. Like that primary school child who wonders why he/she has to conform to the school system, he is comforted by the knowledge that if it truly gets too hard, he could just stay home and nobody can make him do otherwise. although nobody would let him, in the end, the action is his to take.

Strangely though, imaging myself as homeless rather than simply under-employed sounds less humiliating.

Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Just wanna give a shoutout to God and his son for answering my prayers since primary school :) I say thanks all the time but I ought to say it aloud here too and not just in my head, because praise them for caring about me :) They should be recognized for their kindness too, just like everybody else.
Thanks for caring even though I don't belong in any of your religious groups. Maybe one day I'll know which is right for me; like choosing a language to best speak in. Or maybe I'll just call ya directly from here myself as I've always done. Idk, you'll tell me :)

Monday, May 16, 2016
pearl and i are gna go Japan Festival this weekend, and its awesome cos we've been expecting it since a long time ago. i think she asked me if i could go before school sem was even over!!
and i havent seen her since....??? omg idk. since class outing got cancelled.

while talking about what to wear there:

....started out just saying rather normal stuff....

but later...................................


she's my happy pill!!

Sunday, May 15, 2016

omg my misako so prettz!

AAA has a new song but its not very nice lol, not sure why it sounds as if they sang from far away the mike. maybe its my speakers.

i went out on my own today, and it felt like the japan days again. i always go on and on about japan days, and i think its because its where i had unbriddled freedom to do whatever i wanted, and yet i didnt have too much free time on my hands because of internship, so i wasnt too clueless.

every hour was a countdown because i knew i only had so many hours before my days there were done, so i always played very hard and i researched hard, i counted all my yen, i made sure to eat everything, i dared to ask strangers stuff because nobody would see me if i failed, i spoke in very very bad japanese, and i experimented with makeup that made me look like shit on days (so yea those pics dont make it to instagram). happy very often because it felt right to be alone and to not fEEL alone.

i was always discovering, and i think it felt different because my attitude was different too. i was always looking out for whats new or special. sliding doors were picture-worthy, i looked up at the sky often, i was always expecting something good.


my next feel-good country is france. ok tbh when i last went i couldnt tell where france started and italy ended, but thats because i was young and blur. but its a feel-good place too and i think its pretty, like japan, so i want to go there by myself sometime in my life.

i guess i like places that are clean hahaha,
thank god singapore is clean, kuching is clean too. living in sg is the best. vacationing elsewhere makes it so much better. slacking in kuching is the best - like go fishing, eat bfasts, lounge by the seaside, hiking...

ive got the perfect combo in my life.

i also wanna go taiwan, but only for the food haha. not that into sight-seeing there.

Monday, May 2, 2016
Came here to talk to myself haha so I hope no one asks me about what I post. If anyone even comes here. I just need to talk to my imaginary ...something. Like talking to God in a prayer, but here, where I can look back at my archives once in a while.

Feeling sick to my stomach. Kinda feel like crying easily too. What is it, uterus, are you trying to tell me smth? But it's only day 20, you're not due for like, ever.

Wish I wasn't the sort to get affected so easily emotionally. Surely it is evolutionarily disadvantageous?

When some Chinese strangers yelled at each other in a store in Japan, it had absolutely zero relation to me and yet I was shaken anyway. Really weak in the face of conflicts. Maybe that's why I picked Chris. He shelters me even though he tries not to because he says it's dangerous to live in a bubble.

Pearlyn shows me horoscope stuff sometimes, and notes that I display common traits of a piscean.
If I weren't like this though, I'd be much more successful. Play into the strong woman role that is the face of female emancipation these days.

Well anyway nothing's up. Just feeling like I need to get out of this mood, and get down from the clouds.

Is it going to be land at my feet, or am I going to dive right into the depths of the sea, where I continue to float as I did in the sky, but with the pull of the ocean's darkness stronger than ever.

I don't know. I'm not sure I have the right to have a reaction to this, because it isn't about me and yet simultaneously, is about me. And yet I only am privy to my own reaction, and so I can only talk about myself.

I wish for world peace.

ON ANOTHER NOTE, while on Facebook, I came across an article about celebs saying what pregnancy thing surprised them, and I feel like vomiting just thinking about having kids. I used to think it'd be nice, because they'd look like you and the person you chose/who chose you. But months of bleeding into diapers, ugly deflated tummies, incontinence and peeing your pants uncontrollably, having responsibilities you can't pause, post partum depression, stretch marks, scars, pain, death, people knowing you did the nasty, not doing the nasty because the bottom is messed up, stitches that burst, crazy things people feed you to "nourish your body"...feeling like a sow.

Totally not #justgirlythings to be envious of.
Just feel like barfing my guts out right now.


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