Wednesday, February 12, 2014hi, it's me.
im not sure what i ought to say, because I didnt have anything in mind when i signed into blogger, but i just felt like i had to say something here to draw out my thoughts.
i havent been reflecting very much. i feel dull and blunt. dull, blunt and heavy. not sure if thats what being calm entails. calm, numb, whats the difference when at this age, right?
ive been thinking about luck.
i've always touted myself as a very lucky person. I have a wonderful home and family, great education opportunities, friends, and just about enough of everything important, but is 'enough' really sufficient in this day and time of excess?
maybe if i go back to my old archives i would discover more about myself. perhaps i will do that in a while. what did i know then, that i do not know today? if i were to be romantic about it, i might answer ' myself', but even that doesnt make sense because my self now is no longer my self then. did my then-self know my then self better than my current self know me today?
do i want to be my old self?
in so many ways, i suppose i do, but in so many others, i appreciate who i have become today.
i guess thats why time travel is such tricky business. going back in time is a case of win some, lose some. and who is to weigh the value of the sum of gains and losses, when intangible gifts have been bestowed or taken away?
am i proud of the choices that i have made?
i suppose so. at those points in time they were the best decisions. but thanks to hindsight, i sometimes feel like i have to reevaluate them.
today, i will not.
i am content with my choices.
i'm just happy that i have the best friends and that we have memories which are irreplaceable.
also that my friendship is reciprocated with just as much sincerity.
in this moment, i feel really lucky. and really happy.
in all my relationships, be it friendship or romantic endeavors, i have always sought a vague sense of objectivity although i think i appear very much in fantasy. i think i try very hard not to be naive.
i'm not sure if im good at it.
if any doesnt work out, i grieve, but i will not be surprised.
i have grieved for some, but i was never ever surprised.
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