Monday, May 27, 2013I think the right word to use is 'complacent', but why.
I want it more than ever, and yet goals, no matter how short, are just too far away from the instantaneous. That's what makes it so difficult. I'm always hovering above the desire to change, but yet I fall short of the change itself.
Anyway, on a separate matter, I discovered some files from long ago triggering memories that serve no purpose beyond creating nolstalgia. Should I destroy evidence of that past if it isnt going to help in any way in the future, and if it could even be detrimental to the memories I'm creating now, as well as future memories I would make? Is it right to doctor what is documented of my past by omission, if the past will bring pain to the present?...or is it immoral to not do something about it knowing that it could somehow lead to something undesirable in the future? The temptation to preserve that past just to prove that I had once existed is strong, but what if I want to start life afresh and be reborn into the present, where the ones who truly matter have stood the test of time?
Sometimes I don't know if I should acknowledge that part of myself as well as what had existed between us, and for years I have been convinced that it was all imagined on my part...but going through those files have made me realize otherwise. Boy am I glad it's over though. I'm so happy with what I have now. I think this is what I truly deserve.
...although yes, I could work on that complacency. Besides that, I'm great.
To think I used to blog in codes in those days too. How lame. I'm ashamed of myself, as I will be again when I read this years later. Yet what is aging except to look back at yourself for a laugh?
Sunday, May 26, 2013Met the dragons tonight for zichar. It was great an i really enjoyed listening to their candid talk:) I didn't understand some parts cos I think they are guy-lingo and stuff, like motorboat, but most things still managed to crack me up :D I'm so looking forward to the next time when Minyi and Jane would be around too because then our whole family would be present.
So glad I'm in Drakon.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
It's been eventful. I've met chua, wan, han, usan, shien, beatrice, weiling, ruoqi, chris, pearl, and weian over this week and it's been great. It's like catching up with friends from all over since I've missed out on so many outings while at aki. Next up, more of hall friends, managers, chris, chenweiwei, and the dragons.
I've spent consierably more time with my parents too, as I now go out with them.
I just drank soya bean from a metal bowl and my soya bean tastes like chilli. I think that's what my mom usually puts the chilli in, and the bowl has somehow absorbed it taste and then released it into my drink.
I'm so ill.
Anyway this song above, I heard it when I walked past a store. My parents used to listen to these and it's a part of my childhood too so hearing it again's great.
omg I'm so ill MUMMY Y U PUT CHILLI IN THE BOWL.
Thursday, May 23, 2013Today I looked at pretty girls' photos and thought it'd be nice to be slim, so I thought I should cut down on my incessant snacking. The more I thought about how unslim I was, the more troubled I got, so after a wee bit more of mulling over it,
I thought I should get some comfort food.
but then I just settled for a muesli bar cos I just want smth in my mouth. I didnt need to eat.
...but that was then. now I want food again although i'm not hungry. I just want to munch. howwwwzsh.
I AM SNORLAX AND I AM BALLOONING---
Monday, May 20, 2013
Saturday, May 18, 2013idk what happened but i really didnt expect this. what the hell did i eat today.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Cause it's us against the world.
I never knew how right I'd be when I first called her my wife in jest, back in year5.
We're like a married couple. We do things together, get groceries, save money, travel, laugh, do silly things, talk about our disappointments, emo, joke, exercise, do craftwork etc.
I guess that's how it is. You never know how important someone might become when you first meet them. I have few very close friends, but each one of them is my lifelong partner, and each as precious as the other.
Today, after we went to Nicoll station to get dinner and to shop at a korean store for goodies:
(walking into an unobstructed space like a boss)
Me: Should we leave these things (our food purchase) outside (the toilet)?
Pearl: No, we might lose $56.50.
Man: --um. excuse me.
(Pearl and I swivel around)
Man: ...this is the male toilet..?
Cue embarrassed laughter and quick fumbles to rush out of the boy toilet.
Neither of us can remember the exact words during the above exchange, because we were in shock, but thats the gist of the story haha.
Thursday, May 9, 2013It's difficult to think of how to start a post. I often end up describing an event, which actually isn't all that significant at all. Well, I almost started this off with: The first year in Architecture's over. but really, that's not what I think about when I attempt to say something here.
Been listening to odd songs here and there. Some of Taylor Swift's, some from Big Time Rush, and yes, many of the songs I listen to, you think suck, but sometimes these music feel good because they dont require me to appreciate them the way 'good music' is to be appreciated. I just listen and get a kick out of the singers' repetition of 3-word lyrics over and over again. No one can judge me even if I dress up in the most awkward outfits and force my mock hip-hop moves into a ballad, nor can anyone stop me when I try to break my neck doing some cartwheels to Selena Gomez' Come and Get It. I just want to be quirky sometimes, in the comfort and privacy of my room.
I've got a great day planned tomorrow, the highlight of which is Chris making lunch for me. I've offered to help him in the kitchen because he says he wouldnt pull a Gordon Ramsay on me as long as I don't cook stuff that ends up "rubbery". Besides that, what I've got coming is a jog with jiahui in the morning, and also duties as studio rep to submit material money to the school office.It's going to be great. I hope I wake up.
Today I went gyming with my mom, though only for a few hours. I really need to work out. Been sitting in the studio for far too long. I'm so ashamed of my evidence of neglect haha. My mum looks damn cute in the gym. Like a cartoon character of sorts. I've missed her. She loves me.
I'm gna go back to school with Pearlyn after her exam. So excited to go back to DHS. Ever so excited to see Pearlyn. Hopefully Weian would join us too, I havent seen her in a while. Am hoping to sit in on lectures, especially GP's. Really, the curriculum makes me a fuller person and I feel like I've been drained of all that ever since uni, because time is so limited in uni; everybody's trying to become somebody so quickly. This is not saying that dhs wasnt like that, but pardon me, things are always more beautiful in retrospect, so high school was the bombz. I was stressed, yes, I skipped classes when deadlines for other subjects came close, yes, but all these I do in uni too, and I guess the difference is just that dhs is further into the past so I miss it more. I do enjoy nus though. Although I was more resilient in dhs lol. I'm a wreck now, but that's besides the point. This wreck is going to fix herself and get back up this break.
Anyway, this is our song. Chris and I. We discovered this a long while ago, but it has taken me months to post this because uh, I just didnt think to do so. Yet since I'm song-hopping and this is playing atm, why not:
We heard it once when he went over to the studio to help me carry my stuff back to hall in the middle of the night. That was after we had decided this to be our song. I was fumbling with my aki stuff when he stopped me and said "do you hear that?". I thought he was trying to be creepy cos there was noone else in the studio (or so we thought) so i shot him a -_- look, but it turns out that there was someone playing this song in a little lit corner across the studio spaces. Off a laptop, not creepy like on the piano or something. Well, yea this song became 'our song' by chance, and that 'chance' is too difficult to explain so i'm not going further.
I have a song with Wan Ying too. It's stereohearts by Gym class heroes. I first heard it while I was in her dad's ride after Art class, and it has stuck ever since. Everytime I hear it, I think of Wan, whom I've known since the very first day of school in sec1, and also whom I've worked with post-A levels at a cafe.
Anyway, I'm awake now because I slept the whole noon away and am now supposed to clean my room, but I dont know where to start and what to throw out. Lord help me, but I just cant throw things away.
I'm eating gummies that Kangjin has gotten for me. It's a very kind welfare pack for the exams, and he's a very generous and kind soul. I think I'm very blessed to have beautiful friends around me, who'd care for me even though sometimes it baffles me why they do so. I hope I'm a good friend to him too.
I can't wait for my hair to grow longer. I miss long hair, but I also want to get a haircut at the same time. Heart, why do you play such tricks on me, whyy?
You lift my feet off the ground
spin me around
you make me crazier
P.S. Szewee is a retard haha although he's a great, friendly mate.
Friday, May 3, 2013Sometimes I wonder if people around me just put up with me because they don't want to be unkind. I wonder if I'm detestable in general. Thank God I have friends whom I can trust in appreciating me, flaws and all.
Thank you pearl, weian, esther, weiwei, and friends. Thank you, God, for answering my prayers even though I am undecided about religion, and for blessing me with people who care for me and whom I care for.
I really appreciate friends who take effort to connect with me.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013Yesterday Chris and I had a discussion about whether there was a point in finding a point in life. He says that there isn't, because what then? What comes after finding the big truth? He thinks that it's only going to affect others negatively because finding the truth and meaning in one's life is often a selfish goal that can only be achieved if you prioritize your search over others' welfare, and he values living for others more than for his personal gain.
I, on the other hand, am not sure. While a part of me wants to live for the sake of enriching others' lives, another part feels drawn towards discovering the ultimate truth to whether the reality that I see now is the real reality. I am open to the possibility of ghosts, of reincarnation, and other forms of after-life, as well as alternatives of this life, and I want to know if I can include it in the vocabulary of my understanding of the world, but this may lead me to lose touch with our current reality. Chris thinks that that's dangerous because I may lose myself to my imagination, and he says that losing myself in such an endeavor is selfish to those who love and want me around mentally and physically intact. In short, he thinks that dwelling too much into such issues may negatively affect my psychology and that that's undesirable.
What started off as a discussion seemed to end in a slight debate, but as the usual debates go, the issue remains unresolved.
Oh well, back to life as we see it in its most shallow, mechanical form. Maybe there isn't a point after all, and I should just go through life as a passing rite because that's all there is to it. It is so much simpler like that. I envy how he's able to block out things that distract him from living life like everyone else does. That keeps him sane.
Alright, time to do up aki portfolio. Bye.
get one from cbox!
I am an Orchidite
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