Friday, September 27, 2013
Haven't had many occasions to write about happy stuff. Today is an okay day. Today I'll write something happy. Today I had a site visit at Albert street so afterwards I went to the nlb. That's a happy thing. Although I'm here on assignment since I have to get architectural info on Penang's Suffolk house, being at the library by myself, no rush, no obligation, is amazing. Today, although I'm by myself, I'm not lonely at all. Guess I'm the loneliest when I'm with people whom I want to connect to but whom I cannot, because every man is an Island.  Today is not  like that. Happy.  Happy post.

Thursday, September 26, 2013
The nights are lonely. Life is a solo backpacking trip; never enough clothes to last , plus being always a few hugs shy of warmth.

Sunday, September 15, 2013
I feel terrible and nauseous because I'm not in control of my life. I take much longer than I think I will for my assignments and it makes me feel like I'm not keeping up and that I'm unlikely to ever catch up. I guess it's a combination of underestimating the tediousness of the tasks and my own lack of efficiency as I often invest time in the wrong things. For example the Ss elearning thing I thought I'd have settled by Friday, but little did I know that the 10min quiz would require more than a day worth of readings(I take long to read because I try to absorb and memorize things to make my reading worthwhile...but too many unfamiliar names make it difficult for me to follow..ache, Batavia, srivijaya, Sri tri buana...), and afterwards I realised that other people had just submitted a quiz answer with possibly minimal reading just to get the solutions and then attempt the quiz again with the answer sheet in hand. In light of learning, it is counterproductive, but learning is forced...I stress, "forced" to take second place to submission and deadlines. I'm thankful that the Ss module does actually promote learning by giving us feedback and answers after the quiz, providing forum discussions, and giving us infinite attempts at the quiz so we can learn from our mistakes and try again...but one module cannot change our schooling habits because other modules require adherence to strict and TIGHT deadlines...and to achieve that, sometimes the goodwill of some other pro-learning modules must be overlooked for us to scavenge for more time to address those uncompromising tasks.

I try to feel good about having done some learning, but knowing that it's at the expense of my grades somewhere else, it's hard being glad because noone in the future corporate world will care how I got those grades. Or how I didn't. I won't even get interviewed if my paper qualifications fall short, so again, I see how learning is secondary to achievement.

This makes me sad because I'm not good at being grade-oriented. If I were, I wouldn't mind this existing system. After all, one could also say attaining grades is a skill. You either learn how to learn, or you learn how to score. Both are skills nevertheless.but. But I'm not.

Sometimes I wish I would feel good about myself.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Each day passes so quickly. It is as though the day hadnt really happened. Nothing anchors it before the next Day washes over the first in the same way that it will be buried by the Day after that. How frivolous to have created days, only to have them all be the same, non-distinguishable aftertaste.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013
walked down some flight of stairs today after printing stuff in school, and bumped into Prof Roland. He asked me how studio was, and i sort of grimaced but did the (Y) thumbs up gesture anyway, saying that I dont really know how to gauge how it is. He says, how can that be, its been a year! So cue grimace #2...but as he waltzed down, he said "so much potential.."

so much potential.

...does he really think so? I was starting to think that I'm not good at grasping the way of the architect, but maybe I'm just grabbing at the wrong straws. Maybe I'll get the hang of it one day.

or maybe he was just being nice and encouraging...but whatever the case, I'm going to need all the encouragement I can get (:

Time to work on studio stuff before ss tutorial in a while. tata.

Sunday, September 1, 2013
Ambivalence is the surest basis for indefinite valorizations.


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