Sunday, March 24, 2013

This is who I want to be. I kid you not.
Nerdy Frog transformation go go go!

come on. just. give. me. nerdism. now.

Dear teoee

too young
too dumb
to realise.

from my future self to my self now

Friday, March 22, 2013

what of this life. what to make of it.

I wanna buy me flowers, and hold my hand
give me all my hours, when I have the chance
take me to every party cos all I want to do is dance

sometimes I stop thinking and just feel, and every so often I end up with an inexplicable desire to tear.
I'm a beautiful person, but not beautiful enough. I'm sorry for not loving me more.

I look at myself through my brother's eyes, and I see a sister who's pretty, smart, and confident. I know that that's how I seem to him, because of what he says when we converse, but I feel like a lie. One day when he grows up, maybe he'll see that I'm as confused and lost as he is, and feel as incompetent as he does.
I wish that he'd love himself more, so that maybe I could love me too.

maybe then it would be okay to be broken.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Saturday, March 9, 2013
I feel like my life lacks a purpose. It is as if enshrouded in frivolity.
I am hence not driven to do anything at all. Even slacking becomes disengaging. Where did I once derive my joy from?

wenzhong's right, perhaps life was simpler back then. At least I didn't have to ask if I were happy. I just was.
Back then, or at least, looking back at Then from Now, I feel that emotions used to be more absolute. I was elated one moment, disappointed another, angry the next. It's like primary colours being plated onto a canvas side by side in large fields. Like a Mark Rothko field painting. Now the colours have all blended in astonishing ways, and I wonder just when the entire canvas will become a unanimous brownish black of sorts. The kind that you get when you add too many colours together. Am I an angry red? I suppose not anymore. I'm more likely a maroon or something; kind of frustrated, almost angry, but in a more simmering rather than boiling or explosive way. There's a bit of coolness in it despite the common association of anger with heat and activity. It gets harder to distinguish my emotions, if I even realise that I feel any sometimes.

It isn't that I'm unhappy. I have a great life. I've got a wonderful family, I've got many treasured friends, and I've also got Chris and his family. I'm studying Architecture, and although I'm not the best, I could be, with some minor changes. It's just that I dont feel that excelling in school is my purpose. It's a great distraction while I waltz through life, but what I really want to know is what I'm dancing towards. If it's purely for the experience, then I don't have to do well, do I? I just have to do what I feel like at every moment in my life as though it is the last. The only problem is that every moment before the last isn't the last.  So when you're living in a moment with many more moments to come, do you prepare for the future or invest more in the present? Striking a balance is impossible unless you know where the pivot point is.

Maybe what I lack isn't so much a purpose rather than an identity. A distinct sense of identity would help me discover my purpose, no? Yet what am I? All the roles I've played in 20 years of my life have accumulated till this point, and again, I refer to the blended paint analogy. I need to rediscover myself, but the rest of the world needs me to deal with every subsequent day from today. There isn't time or resources to do that. Our social construct is unforgiving to those who accidentally drift away from mechanical living huh? Once you've fallen behind the flock, you're on your own.

Scary that it has only been 20 years and I've already lost sight of myself.

Sunday, March 3, 2013
Hi I havent been here in a while.
A shout-out to dear juniors: Hope youve done well for A-levels! If you feel that you havent, dont worry, just try again or aim to pick yourself up from there. When you untangle yourself from all the values that you had attached to the exam, such as your worth and your capability, you'll find that the exam is just a rite of passage for more of the same thing - education.:) On the other hand, if youve done well, congratulations, the stars had aligned and in addition to your stellar performance, luck was on your side too so keep the momentum and be awesome haha. It's funny how this sounds a little bit like those Zodiac advice that masters often reiterate during CNY. (Roosters will experience luck this year as there will be benefactors around when you need help...etc)

I'm letting myself slip. complacent on so many levels.
i look a mess; don't even bother combing my hair sometimes when I go to school, because school just doesnt feel that formal when youre there 24/7 and you eat, sleep, and [everything else] there. I'm sure this is good news to some who be hatin' on me, but well, today I'm going to pick myself up on that because I might just bump into people whom i dont want to look horrid before. On a side note, no, there isnt anyone who hates on me because im an angel (:0
academic-wise, sama lah.

okay ive got to go. there isnt much time to be a wilful teen when youre
1. an aki student
2. not a teen anymore since im past nineTEEN.



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