Friday, December 30, 2011
Bidam died):

Sunday, December 25, 2011
Shucks, was tempted to make plans with LORD SHEN, but must keep my word and lay off the socializing for a while. Shen, we shall meet in the further future but we will definitely meet!!:))

Feeling better already:)
It really helped to have switched my phone off until now.
No intention to put off my appointments le.

But after today I am sure I will not make any more plans and just chill with myself:)))

Saturday, December 24, 2011
I feel unwell. It is probably a physical reaction to my mental unease, and I have somewhat been led to believe that it's called holiday stress. It feels better knowing that this condition has a name. Gives me more pseudo control. I've tried finding out what's made me feel sick. Is it the excessively sedentary lifestyle that comes with avid reading, or that I have been meeting too many people, making too many plans, and in turn, overworking myself ironically during my holiday? Or perhaps it comes from having a sudden loss and not having school bells dictate my whereabouts. Maybe it's because I can't severe some ties that stalk and suffocate me. Maybe it's the nerves that come from making suggestions that I fear I may not be able to sustain.

All I want for Christmas could be to cancel all my appointments, even that mysterious and somewhat stressful meeting with the school teacher and subsequently seab personnel; even with friends who are still dear to me; even the interviews that may land me in a fine part time job.

What an unfair gift my mind and body demands. It does not show me how to be accountable to those whom I cancel plans upon, and it does not address the issue in which I am sick, now, and I want an immediate remedy.

What a joyless Christmas this year.

Sunday, December 18, 2011
I dreamt that I was wearing my p2 orchird patrol tee and in some parts of my dream I was at a strange place with many mountain-like structures like the mountains in capadocia, turkey. They had little steps and some had wheels with jagged sides. My family and I met a local family, Asians, who explained that the mountains were public washing machines. The lady flung a wet grey shirt in a large and exaggerated gesture into one of the blue red and grey mountain with jagged wheels and i watched as it was sucked into the massive structure before it reappeared on the left side of the giant. In another scene I was at junyuan primary school and I remember Eccles being there. I never really got to know him so idk why I rmb him best, but dreams are like that aren't they? We were wrecking havoc, though I wasn't exactly involved. I was just laughing an running around with the rest, like lame p4 kids, and Eccles accidentally dropped a bed down the 4th floor. Some laughed I think, but I hadn't. I said, " someone could have been hurt if they had been strolling where the bed had landed.", being the serious prick I think I am in real life too. I was aware that they knew the consequences too.. I understood that it's because of the tense atmosphere that people laughed..but still, being the prick that I am... Anyway we then went up the 3rd floor, following some new Malay friends, to get some lunch. It was a fast food restaurant and something happened there but it has escaped my memory. Lol.

On the plane ride to turkey, I watched Foster and liked it a lot:) watched it twice. Then I watched a jap movie called "my s.o. Has depression" and it was slow and uh, depressing. I could have fallen asleep at any and every point in the movie... But maybe it's a realist art work meant to depict mundane things in common people's lives. In that case, it was good;) wasn't a bad movie, just not the typical hollywood kind as there was no climax or significant event that I could latch on to for the condensed version of the plot. In fact, I don't believe there was a plot. It was just a narration, but that's fine:) I need to be exposed to more kinds of film.

Turkey's quite awesome. Turkish young waiters that can manage a smile are awesome too. my Turkish driver and tour guide Bulent were the absolute best:)
Not much shopping, but that's fine cos my family and I appreciate the scenery more than making purchases.

Food took a while to get used to... A week wasn't quite enough for us, but I still did eat quite a bit:) the rest of my family lost weight instead LOL. How funny.

Thursday, December 8, 2011
Been having shoulder aches recently, often after some hours of carrying my bag on the right shoulder. Fearing for the worst(pulled-muscle), I Wikipedia-ed about it and in addition to the numerous conditions associated with shoulder injury, I now also have a case of anxiety.

(btw, wiki says heart problems could also be interpreted by the brain as shoulder aches. Goodness me, I've always known all the mugging'd have some effect on my physiology!)

Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Haw par villa with WanYing after museum. Really exciting:D
She's so pretty even after 6years.

Jovina messaged me about her nightmare today. So glad to have heard from her!!! Am in need of a day out with her luh.. Don't know what to do but I have a feeling we will be eating LOL.

Going to rest. My nice complexion acquired from a levels (somehow) has caught on that the holidays have started hence it threatens to go on a vacation too. I have to pamper and smother it in cream and chemicals to keep from having blemishes appear, however futile the attempt is. A good night's sleep that doesn't start at 4am wouldn't hurt to speed things up:)


Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Just a quickie before I go to bed in preparation for my day out with WanYing steffi and Huijing :)

I've been pretty busy the past few days. It is almost more exhausting than a levels had been. Due to the scarcity of time, I have rushed to and fro events, between people, and between activities. Greed made me do it. I want to be with everyone, do everything, an yet do nothing at the same time. It is a perplexing condition. I have yet to fulfilled some pre- post a levels-conceived plans and am inclined to believe that I will probably not attempt them.

All the watching dramas and stuff have become a bore. Their value only becomes apparent when they are forbidden by my Discipline. I accidentally watched Ouran high school host club for the third time since Wannung had recommended it to me in yr2. I grew fearful into my 4th episode because i was growing too attached to kyouya once again, gosh, for the third time. He is a character that I had wanted the anime to explore more of. I wanted to know him as though he had anything to know about that was not mentioned in the show, and I think this is what the folks call... An obsession -.-

Alright enough about him. Nekozawa is cute, in a rather disturbing and creepy way with his kitty puppet and hooded attire haha.

I want to go into detail about my past few days, but it will take too long for me to recount my time with friends and family so I will not indulge in too many words.

Today (it is 3am now so I guess yesterday could cut it too) is prom night. I did not go^^
Heard about prom from HanXi and weian though. It's awesome that Ella's the prom queen!

I am going to meet dear wan later today and I have to get sleep. Can't wait:)))

I don't like ambiguous situations. I guess mr seow was right when he told me last year, that I look like I like to make lists. Despite my initial denial, since I though I was spontaneous and messy, I think I do have a tendency to want clarity and control in my life.

Just a side note.

Well you had already known my quickie was going to be long. They always are. But I've really got to go. Goodnight.

Saturday, December 3, 2011
I was reading Minette Walter's book, The Ice House, a minute ago.
For some reason, 71 pages into the murder mystery, I was gripped with an anxiety not foreign to many netizens that i have googled for online.

I am not always conscious of my mortality.
This reasons for procrastinating my bigger goals in life. Yet goals are such ridiculous measures of one's purpose and intent when I give this matter enough thought.
If I am to live, only to die, then why was I conceived in the first place?
It is nauseating to even guess what ill reasons justify my existence for it to be withdrawn from me again in the near future, and I want to know if my time as me has a purpose that I am sure I have not fulfilled because I am unaware of it. Does the fact that my life belongs to me not merit my knowledge of what I am to do with it? Some quote that their purpose is to change the world, to make other's lives better... while these are noble aspirations, I do think they fall short of being the reason for humanity's existence. If your reason for existing is to make another person's life less miserable, then what of the other person's purpose? If it is to make yet another individual happier, I would think that this cyclic system is a rather pointless exercise, for it does not seem to address why people were put on the face of earth.

When death does cross my mind but doesn't drop by to tamper with my heart, I would suppose it is because i can see it as a physical act of becoming compost, and not be tempted to delve into the complicated aspects of being gone.

I just want to know why I'm here so that when death asks me what I've been up to since I last left him for my mother's womb, I can truly be accountable for my years of absence.


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