Friday, October 21, 2011
Kind of ): that i couldnt go for Aesthetics Nite.
Wouldve been nice to show my parents our works, to see others' parents, and to feel like there is a real audience for a piece of art youve spent your senior high life on.

But (pardon my disregard for proper english by starting with a conjunction) i dont regret my decision. Just ): that i had to make a choice. URGH SCARCITY WHY LIDDAT.

Papa says to take photos and show him, but i'd want to show them my work in their actual form, not in photographs. Photographs kind of take the mood that i try to recreate away.


Hanxi says her mum likes my work! Chua said that of her mum last time too.
Im pretty heartened cos tbh i thought my work wasnt really good. I like everyone else's works but i just cant find a point where i can say "I LIKE IT THIS WAY. THIS IS MY WORK TADA." about mine. Its just never good enough.

But all's fine now. Weian wanted to see it but that'd have to wait till next year haha.

Today boony/jiahui(idk what im supposed to call him by) gave me some sound advice. We were talking about future studies/career prospects, and while he has a goal he's working well towards to, i am...still exploring my options.

I either think too highly of myself (want to be everything), or have no confidence (dont think i can be anything) tada: DREAMLESS TEO EE
It'd be more grand to have a long name, like DREAMLESS ALEXANDRA CHOK CUBIN MUSTAFA WALKERMAN, but i wouldnt want to live with that. Short's the way to go in the modern world(: (lol ok this is just a random sidenote.)

Bought nice bread today. The Gardenia Walnut and Banana bread. Small loaf for about $3. Kind of expensive for bread (Aunty Teo: Long Wholemeal Gardenia loaf only costs about $1.60) but i really like it. I kind of think i like bananas. Although thats kind of scary because ive always thought i liked grape and mango best...suddenly my belief is challenged and my entire 78 years of life is at risk of becoming a complete LIE.

Dear me.

Right, i ought to go off already.
I have a date with Pearlyn on the 2nd December.
We're going to the library!!!:D
I have a date with Shiyi too....okok, an outing. Though there's no specific date/time. Just that i remember making plans with her (ok not really, i made them myself and just asked her. lol.) some months ago..


Sunday, October 16, 2011
This is not a good time to mess with ABBA,
but mama mia, how can i resist you?

Saturday, October 15, 2011
I heard the chorus of an ABBA song today and was instantly hooked.
Jas says its Thank You for the Music.
Love the happy tune.

When there is a crisis in the family, should we not band together and overcome it as one?

It is a month to your school play. Youve been practicing hard for the past 2 years so your parents can be proud of you when you finally perform on your kindergarten graduation night. Yet a month before that, your mother leaves the family for another man, and have their own children. Theyre happy. In your misery and loneliness, you and your siblings approach your grandnanny, hoping she'd offer some advice and support, yet instead of "Hey there's still Daddy and me! Dont fret!", she lets you sit in her lap one day as she knits, and says, "Its your fault that Mummy left. You havent been good children. Whats with your sorry attitude. I myself had my distant cousin leave the family for another man too, and i hadnt gone crying to my granny. Suck it up."

Wouldnt you wonder what had gone through her mind when she used to stress the importance of kinship as she held your hand through her garden?

{I know this story sounds choppy and is probably of little significance to those who are not aware of the context that ive juxtaposed it against, but for others who identify with me,

peservere. there's no other option.

[/edit] Thought i could do without a disclaimer, but well, here it is:
This is an analogy. It has nothing to do with my biological family.
Any resemblence of the figures in the story to real characters is for the sole purpose of emulating an exchange between a representative of an institution and a sorry audience.

Thursday, October 6, 2011
Sometimes people pretend not to understand, so that they dont have to feel obligated to help.
They ask, only to seem to care, because they feel that it is a required gesture.

Sickness plagues me. I am ill.

Silence does not equate to guilt, nor submission. Silence is a statement. It is a rejection meant to say that one has understood your reasons for asking, and am not inclined to participate in your rhetoric game.

In the biggest gamble that i have ever taken, i am aware that i have lost, and am losing even more. Yet like any addict, it is difficult to quit. If i do, it will only leave behind a pathetic self that can never be redeemed.
All dignity is lost, and i can blame no one but myself.

All dignity is lost, and still i continue, because stopping is not a choice.
The rat race needs me to prop its winners up.
If not, from whence shall their throne be built?

Saturday, October 1, 2011
I must be pretty old in terms of dream-age because i spend so much time there.

Yesterday, i passed away in the prettiest way possible.

It was a long dream because i had let myself sleep more to make up for the ills of the day, but i only remember the end, before my passing.

This is a poor paint illustration, but its the best that i could come up with in a short time.
It doesnt capture the serenity that had been so encapsulating in my dream, but at least it shows you where i was.

In this surreal set-up, i am the penguin on the right. I am not seeing this scene as a passive dreamer; whatever i experience is from a penguin's perspective. What you see are the penguins' back.

It is a very cold night. Which night, i don't know, because in my mind, it seems to be the only one. It is going to last forever. The sun is never going to hurry it away.
The ice that i am sitting on has melted and frozen again, forming a little seat that curved and cuddled me. It seems to float away, but not in any particular direction.

Beside me is another penguin. Male; but i vaguely register this fact because in this instance, he is my companion; another one of my kind. We are not distinguished by our gender, but his being the other sex is representative of my existence as part of a larger community in which the male and female come together in union.

Before us, in an ambiguous distance, is the city. It is lighted, and in any other cases, would have seemed alive. Yet it is quiet and it seems to be waiting. Not for something to happen; just waiting. Perhaps it is a reflection of our state of mind.

I sit and let the silence speak because my companion is entranced; by what, i dont know. I am struck by the moment too.

It is a very cold night. There is no breeze, and the chill is homogenised in the air around us. In our stillness, i realise that we are going to freeze to death. There is no calmness to speak of, but in its place, there is contentment. I am glad to die in this manner. Slowly, as i merge into my surroundings, i feel a strong sense of love even though my companion has yet to move. He is going to die too, but we are experiencing our own deaths and he is in no way involved in my passing away.

We are not seated near each other. There is a distance between us, like in the illustration, to let us share this moment only with ourselves. Too much time has been given away to others; we owe ourselves our last few breaths. Then i begin to notice myself freezing. I feel the ice creeping up my body, and my warmth no longer melts the ice around me to reshape the seat. My last thought is that " I'm willing.", and then the silence ensues.


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