Friday, February 24, 2017
i would like to blog about my unexpected birthday on which several people's well-wishes made me very happy and i feel like i got a break from my depression. not clinical, but still, everything is in greys...or should i say, everything is "50 shades darker", hahahhaa , hhahaha *laughs into the abyss alone*

i really am awed by the cake pearl baked. really awed. dno what else to say. just really really appreciate that i have something like this. and her instagram post dedicated to me made me realise that in somebody's eyes, i am honest, kind, patient, wise and warm.
honestly i shuld know myself best, but it still comes as a surprise to learn that i'm not trash when i feel like trash.

syah's message made me laugh out loud, and i think i gta crown it queen of bday texts because of that. it really lifted me out of this fog. and so did amanda's, even know i havent seen her since aki yr1...oh how i miss her, she's really one of the purests souls ive met, and i'm so glad i have these two friends to share an unspoken understanding of the struggles of aki.

tejas texted me, and tejas is always my happy pill. always. we talk a little, and he says if i go studio i might see him. he says he'll wna pop by me. so. incentive to go to school? :) i love tejas so much. he's so...light. like a bouncing ball of light. :)

jess yang from my shigeru ban days messaged me too, sounding as mischievous as ever hahaha, i love that a little encounter can make me friends like these. i think she is my first legit taiwanese friend hahaha. she and her gf are gna come to sg in the near future - i cant wait!! really hope to be able to reconnect with her. totally ship this couple too <3 p="">
haolin, the ever-consistent buddy i have. he NEVER ever forgets me and i think there is just something special about a friendship like that, even if on normal occasions we dont talk. well, on normal occasions i dont talk to anybody lol only send pearl memes back and forth. i do believe of all primary school friends, he is the one most involved in my life. so thankful for that (:
well shenghan gave me a call on christmas though so that's nice too hahaha. a real phone call, yes! after eons of no contact hahaha

weiling sent a long message about us bfast gang :))) its always good to know youre in someone's mind. she and bea so cute luh..

kenneth, i meet him so i do everyone else i guess, yikes, and yet he still wants to be my friend. we were mere GEM mod classmates :) i think as time passes i appreciate these friends who take initiative to stay friends a lot a lot more. if not for them, i would have no friends haha.

even usan messaged me haha.. hanxi probably has smth to do with this hahaha, but this was unexpected :D

and nicholas, he's always the one to notice bday first and wish on the dragons chat :)))

well, i cant really mention more, but these are some that stood out in my mind because we held a conversation after, or because they were unexpected...or just consistent ^^

so. this post.
ive always known im blessed, but knowing isnt the same as feeling it.
i feel a little better. it was a break from the heavy, heavy trajectory ive somehow accidentally embarked on.
today i woke up thinking, well, ok back to the depression. but a 2min- "pass you cake" meeting with pearl became a "talk over lunch" session and well,
just gta say, its good to have friends,

never ever invest in someone who wouldnt invest in you. take a break. 

Thursday, February 23, 2017
just had a pretty good celebration with chua and han this birthday. happyyy. got to get some updates on their lives.
i was still telling chris yesterday how this bday was gna suk and how i didnt want to do anyth about it at all. how i just wanted it to be like any other day.
turns out he was in the know about my art fartz' plans haha so i must have sounded stoopid.
i really like that they would coordinate with him and find him on their accord haha because i think that's the ideal friend-bf relationship. hope to grad soon, and hope he grad soon, so we can hang out more with each other's friends.

these two girls so cute luh seriously. and i really am very awed by how theyve managed to stick with me through all these years though im always not available. its the same for all my other friends.. i'm saying it here on this public platform so yall know its not that i dont wna meet you specifically hor. i say the same thing to all my friends haha i just dont have much window for a robust social life. BUT i keep thinking once i grad it'll all be different! I can meet friends after work :d hope no OT. but nvm i not gna join those no-life firms even if they very prestigious.

it aint like it used to be haha in dhs.

but wow theyve stuck through this even though i had so little to give. i dno what kind of saint i was in my past life to deserve good people all around me. even i get envious of myself sometimes when i see myself from a 3rd person perspective. i meet pearl a little bit more (ok ok pearl is gna say no because i also dont rly meet her as often as i should), but usually its really impromptu because idk when i can make it, and its also always tentative and subject to changes.really dno how all these people put up with me. thanks guys.

uhhhh ffff why my table so many ants. got THREE. i hate ants tho i dont kill em. i did once, at the sadistic tree outside my house after school, by pouring water down a hole when i was younger..but i dont kill things. not even mosquitos unless i absolutely have to. i scared to take life. feel bad.

ok i sidetracked.

well anyway. really good to catch up with them. i wish i knew everything but i'm sure its hard to go through a crash course when so much has happened haha. when they ask about chris, i also suck at answering. people so rarely ask me that i dont rmb how to describe things anymore haha. only the day after vday, aki prac gang asked me a little. and today, when they once again asked how chris and i met. ahaha ok actually very romantik one ok just that i was firstly very paiseh, and secondly, havent thought about it in a while so my brain was stuttering out the sequence of events. so i ended up oversimplifying. owell haha.

mmm ok so i put this on ig. its a summary. my friends so cute seriously, and theyre so aliveeeee. so animated! idk why but i feel like ive forgotten how to socialize so now i panic a little whenever i have to talk tho i have so much to ask hahaha. and also, i looked like SHIT that morning in the skype call but he still looked at me liddat so i sneakily screenshot it to rmb forever. so plis, young readers, getchu a man who looks at ya liddis, ya?

they keep saying muz be i forget them liao omg #tragic. but i nvr okkk 

also, chua said she thinks im ok but hanxi says im too skinny. this kinda worried me a little cos
 i havent really changed my lifestyle consciously..i still ate fried taiwan shilin chaodajipai/chicken for consecutive DAYS, cos i had a craving. and i ate ramen for those consecutive days too because i also had a craving for that... one good change i've made is that i've gotten over my donut crave. i once ate 9 at a time cos 3 for $3 after 730pm lol but one bad one, and a few googles about how donuts were the most evil food around, made me decide that i will not eat donuts again. i also havent eaten pasta in a while except one time this 2017. chris used to cook me pasta but now that he's gone i dont have pasta to eat lol.

but i still ate pizza, and large bowls of peas ( i went into pea craving later), and i snack.

and um i just nvr find time to exercise. ok thats bad wow i sound like a pig. but i mean. i hope to workout, but i just think i'll feel guilty cos im supposed to be doing work. then again i watched anime again yesterday and today so maybe its an excuse but um. ok after i grad i will exercise more ok.

EH BUT  i hope if im skinnier it's because of my subtle cut off from donuts and the likes. and not cos i have some metabolic disease.
ok nvm i should probably not think too much. a bit sleepy now but havent do work yet. yikes.

wow i really wna kill this ant. but ok. cannot. all lives are equal.

thanks again, friends :)

Friday, February 17, 2017

one day i will leave for good. either here, or this world. on my own terms.
cant wait.

Monday, February 6, 2017
what about now, what about today

what am i willing to settle for. if i accept the study life, will i be more content.
maybe then, i'll stop waiting.

my existence right now is very, very meaningless. but maybe meaning is overrated.
i dont need it.
butterflies dont think about meaning. they just do. and then when its over, its over.
no next life, no looking forward to anything. maybe that is true enlightenment.
till tomorrow.

will 11:11 ever have the same magic again.


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