hi there. It’s me in June 2022. Why are you here? Have you come to think of me? 

I do wonder if you pop by sometimes, hoping to see an update about my life. I’m really curious about yours but I only see small snippets off social media. any more than that would be weird I guess? Since we’re all on such different paths. 

well anyway I’m glad I still can catch a glimpse or two into your life. i still feel like dhs was majority of my life haha, and I don’t feel a day over 21. it’s so strange. 

The recent emergence of Cyndi Wang has brought out the nostalgia in me, and I went into a wormhole of reading about jolin tsai. (hahaha I know, I know. they’re not even the same person) 

So right now, I’m listening to 心引力 by jolin and it’s such feels. it really brings back those lame but exciting times trying to spot your crush in school assemblies and pretending to be in mv while sitting in a car or bus, watching rain trickle down. Isn’t it such an era though. I don’t think there is the same 心动 in later adult life. although there is peace, warmth, and gentle happiness. 

I’m grateful for what I’ve experienced so far. I’d like to say that I remember everyone whom I’ve ever crossed paths with, and that from time to time, I think about you guys. but to be fair, if I’ve actually truly forgotten anyone, I wouldn’t know. So I’d always feel like I remember everyone. You know what I mean? Hahaha. Same energy as you not missing what you don’t know. 

Sigh. Time passes so quickly. Just recently I had some kind of existential crisis and I discovered transhumanists. Basically they believe that death is a disease that is curable and can be overcome, be it via collective Ai, cyro…smth? the thing where you’re frozen till the future revives you. Like fallout4 or captain America. it’s such an idea isn’t it? this condition is something that affects 100% of the population and yet so little is done to resolve this issue! Every day I have a whole team with me to resolve technical matters trying to build up a condominium project, but suddenly it feels like my daily challenges in architecture are so insignificant hahah. Ok let me dial back cos I don’t wna talk about work. The ‘A’ word is taboo. No chef wants to cook at home, and likewise, no girl wants to talk about construction on her romantic blogpost. (romantic as in, idealized view of reality bro)

Well, back to Jolin. i just wna say, she’s such a baby and it’s so cute haha. sometimes I feel like life happens to me, and I really want to resist change. I don’t like it when things aren’t familiar. perhaps I have Peter Pan syndrome. I really don’t feel like I’m different from back then. I just don’t really have the opportunity to behave the way that I did anymore. I’m really quiet at work and the latest friends I’ve made are from 3years ago in my previous firm. i guess we cliqued cos we’re retarded together haha but it’s an exception to the norm. right now I just feel like there’s no place for my personality in the workplace. I actively make myself part of the background and it’s kind of comforting but also kind of sad. 

Oops I’d barely given the jolin thing a sentence before I went on with my rant haha. 

um anyway today I want to talk about myself. I want to see what I say about myself cos I haven’t thought about this in the longest time ever. I’ve been cruising on auto mode. 

I think I’m still… bright inside :) I always daydream, I still like topics about dreams and psychology. I like watching old shows. I go through phases of liking kpop. i really like jennie. i like japan. i binge watch China shows on Facebook summarized into short clips hahaha I don’t know how but I keep getting trapped into those. I even tried luosifen cos of all the subliminal messaging! The noodle texture is amazing. But it’s too smelly. i don’t like mala. i love mangoes. i like craftwork (like making coloured ice cubes to zhng up my drinks. I use blue wolfberry to colour it! natural and it doesn’t have a taste). i like using disposable things repeatedly (eg bubble tea cups). And I like mini sandwiches from those catered displays. 

:)

Sometimes I don’t feel ready for certain things or milestones in life, but I guess I just gotta put on my big girl pants and do it, so I can experience a nice wholesome life. 

sometimes I imagine suddenly reconnecting with people again. in real life if it happens, it’ll likely be awkward and uneventful. perhaps i’ll even dao them cos I’ve more or less become a social hermit. or I’ll be polite and distant. But in my daydreams, it’s always a nice reconnection where I gain a friend and have someone who remembers me the way I was when I was still a 少女 ☺️

now I’m supposed to be an elegant little lady but I still feel like I haven’t had enough being a girly girl. 

(btw it’s made worse cos I wear pants to work. urk. total destruction of any gender identity for me. hahahaha. ok faux feminists don’t come get me, I said ‘for me’ - for me!!) 

ok this granny is getting tired. might go to sleep (this is slang for browsing fb/ig). bye bye, see you again soon. I’ll always come back :)

谢谢大家 倾听我的声音 ehehe