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Thursday, April 25, 2013
Today I blog, for the first time I can remember, without any strong or extreme feelings. Not miserable nor angry, or excited either. I'm just the usual me today. Just musing on a cloud in the sky. It's exam time. Just saying. Idk why that's important but I just wanted to say it.Chris is singing while he studies. I'm being my usual wasted self so I'm not singing nor studying. Idk why I'm wasted. I don't even drink. I keep wanting to eat and sleep these days. The former because I just want to fill myself up to feel more real, and the latter because I don't, so I sleep the emptiness away. I want to leave all these tedious things behind. Idk what's tedious but I just feel exhausted. I feel as though im on a train and I desperately want to get off but this train will only stop when life ends, so idk, I don't really want life to end, I just want the ride to stop. Call it motion sickness maybe, but I'm sick of this. Anyway someone committed suicide over at Utown recently. A yr1 boy called Peter. I wouldn't want to say I'm affected by the news, but I do think about this quite often. He reminds me of Joy from The Three Idiots Hindi movie. Those not familiar with the plot please don't misunderstand, I'm not calling anyone an idiot. Joy was, in fact, a brilliant student. In the movie, he hung himself in his room and when he was found, scrawled across the room was: I give up. He was just never good enough even though he worked hard and made it to the most prestigious school in India. His father cried over his grave during the burial. I suppose all he really wanted was for his son to be healthy and happy. Yet maybe Joy's suicide was for the best despite that, because then he lives on as a brillant and full of potential young man in his father's heart. Had he struggled, who is to say that he wouldnt have simply died at an elder age but with less apparent potential and more failures to mar others' impression of him? People often lament over the death of others and call it a pity, but is it really? A pity, i mean. I myself wouldn't harm myself lethally like that, because I have a lot to be thankful for and because I greed for more time with those whom I love, but that isn't to say that I've never fantasized about ending things because those same people whom I live for might be better off without me lol. or perhaps it's my pride. I don't want people who matter to see me fall so I'd rather just stop existing and hence by default, remove all hope and expectations leveraged on me. Maybe then I'd have enough weight off my shoulders to be able to float towards heaven. Ya ok suicide victims deserve hell right sorry lor bye all you heaven-bound people. It might be a bit perverse to smile right now, but :) |
Drakon
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