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Saturday, March 9, 2013
I feel like my life lacks a purpose. It is as if enshrouded in frivolity.I am hence not driven to do anything at all. Even slacking becomes disengaging. Where did I once derive my joy from? wenzhong's right, perhaps life was simpler back then. At least I didn't have to ask if I were happy. I just was. Back then, or at least, looking back at Then from Now, I feel that emotions used to be more absolute. I was elated one moment, disappointed another, angry the next. It's like primary colours being plated onto a canvas side by side in large fields. Like a Mark Rothko field painting. Now the colours have all blended in astonishing ways, and I wonder just when the entire canvas will become a unanimous brownish black of sorts. The kind that you get when you add too many colours together. Am I an angry red? I suppose not anymore. I'm more likely a maroon or something; kind of frustrated, almost angry, but in a more simmering rather than boiling or explosive way. There's a bit of coolness in it despite the common association of anger with heat and activity. It gets harder to distinguish my emotions, if I even realise that I feel any sometimes. It isn't that I'm unhappy. I have a great life. I've got a wonderful family, I've got many treasured friends, and I've also got Chris and his family. I'm studying Architecture, and although I'm not the best, I could be, with some minor changes. It's just that I dont feel that excelling in school is my purpose. It's a great distraction while I waltz through life, but what I really want to know is what I'm dancing towards. If it's purely for the experience, then I don't have to do well, do I? I just have to do what I feel like at every moment in my life as though it is the last. The only problem is that every moment before the last isn't the last. So when you're living in a moment with many more moments to come, do you prepare for the future or invest more in the present? Striking a balance is impossible unless you know where the pivot point is. Maybe what I lack isn't so much a purpose rather than an identity. A distinct sense of identity would help me discover my purpose, no? Yet what am I? All the roles I've played in 20 years of my life have accumulated till this point, and again, I refer to the blended paint analogy. I need to rediscover myself, but the rest of the world needs me to deal with every subsequent day from today. There isn't time or resources to do that. Our social construct is unforgiving to those who accidentally drift away from mechanical living huh? Once you've fallen behind the flock, you're on your own. Scary that it has only been 20 years and I've already lost sight of myself. |
Drakon
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