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Thursday, April 18, 2013
I wish I were happy. Sometimes I truly am, but that is not enough because I want to be happy in general, not to have mere occasional happy instances that in sum, are only cherished moments and not the norm.I don't want to have to deal with all the people who give me a reason to be miserable, but sometimes these people have once given me joy and I hang on to them out of gratitude and in hopes that my offer of everlasting friendship will more than account for the meaning they have once brought into my life. This conflict stresses and wears me out, but I don't feel that I can talk about it because it plagues me frequently but voicing that frustration every time I feel it makes me feel like a whiny and distasteful person. I don't want to unload my unhappiness on those who are willing to listen because I appreciate that they are willing to be there for me, and I only want to give them my best, but sometimes I seek refuge here to connect with people who bother enough to read about me via this blog, so sorry that you readers bear the brunt of my misery. Should I walk away because trying is not worth it? If I do, it would seem that I have given up on her when in reality, I am the one who had been discarded. I suppose I have outlived my purpose in her life now that she has someone new. If I were a soft toy, I'd be that old teddy that sits at the back of a cupboard; ready to be picked up again, but with the knowledge that Sally would be happier and more occupied with her iPad or something. I wish that people would love me more and maybe then I might be whole, because happiness isn't intrinsic like all those smart-asses out there say. It cannot be intrinsic because human beings crave connection and gain meaning through shared experiences. I think I'm just hurt. I feel really hurt and I want to cry. I feel so unhappy also because my aki friends are unhappy. I wish there was a solution, but there isn't any that wouldn't damage us. Maybe that's what we are. Damaged. |
Drakon
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