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Saturday, April 27, 2013
Funny how we say 'lol' when we're gna follow through with something that's not funny.
"lol, I got kicked out of class."
"lol, I lost a match today."
"lol, I'm kind of sick of myself."
There are some words that I don't like to bring myself to say, and "motivation" is one of them. I use to google for it, a digital and psychological search for what I felt I lacked, but the word now tastes like scum when it borders on the brink of my mind, just before it leaps off my mouth. I'm done searching for it. It's too much of a snob, I cant handle this bitch, alright? But Lord save me, I still want her so much. I want to want her, but I just can't get my libido up. I really don't know why I've lost interest in being my best and in doing well in school. Sometimes I'm so sick of being such a slob that I...that I...I don't know lol I haven't really thought about that.
I feel like I just need to get away from everything. From my current context. From nus, from Singapore, from the people around me, from myself, so that I can reset myself and be back to normal. Maybe having a goal would help. Pearl said it would. I cant identify with any common goals though. Great certs for great pay and hence by default great life? As of now an affluent life isn't really something I'd work hard for though. I just want an average, happy life, and I'm happy now, when I dont think about how I should secure the same happiness for my future self. The chair I'm sitting on makes my back ache. I want to get off but there's no alternative that would bring about greater comfort. Funny how this physical condition mirrors my situation huh? No, not funny: lol.
How.
I'm screwing myself up.
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Drakon
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