I havent stayed up this late since school, because work gets me sleepy by 10pm, although i sometimes lie on my bed past 12 to 9gag to sleep.

i find it so hard to write now.

i feel like i need somewhere to start anew.

I've never liked working on mistakes to make them better.

when my room is messy, i yearn for a new room in which i can start living "neatly" in;

when i paint a piece and it strays from what i had meant it to be, i opt for a fresh canvas;

when i write an essay and it starts to sound clumsy, i choose a new topic to write on.

for me, it has never been about improving.

i don't quite believe in that, you know.

every line erased is an erased line. the line is not exactly gone, it's just hidden underneath the erasing.

can you imagine it?

nothing in life is ever backspaced, it's just overlapped with other stuff.

i read a book about schizophrenia.

it's called A Blue So Deep.

i don't know what else to say, although there is a lot that i have to express.

i think I've lost touch with myself.

i used to be more interested in me.

who i am, how i behave, what my values are, what i mean to others etc.

i used to know what i was good at.

now i feel blunt

like Ive been knocked around too many times and i don't have a shape anymore but I'm not free, I'm just shapeless, but i still have a form that inhibits me.

my language has suffered since school.

i don't like working.

i get more stupid every day that i spend doing robotic tasks.

i find it annoying that i don't blog in proper English but still, i continue the deed.

i apologise, although i am not sorry enough to stop.

i used to do quizzes. lame personality quizzes for GiRls*~!

i think they're better for showing you how you see yourself, rather than who you are.

IMO, that's a more valuable input so i don't regret spending hours checking boxes that ask me how I'd like to spend my weekends:

a) reading a book by the beach

b) partying

People often make it sound as though when creativity dies, it leaves the said person an empty shell or a faint outline of who he or she had been before.

many books I've read have given me that impression, but i disagree with it.

When something dies, it doesn't just leave.

It rots and falls apart, and its immediate surroundings become stained with the stench of...dead terrapins.

have you ever smelt one?

it's funny, i smell it quite often. its as though i have a dead terrapin pressed between my nose and lips. like how we used to balance pencils on our faces in primary school.

creativity is best personified as a child. or at least, it seems so, because the last time i had thought myself to be imaginative, i had been a child.

Her death had been ugly, and the black is still spreading inside me.

i feel dirty.

i want to keep myself exhaling so as to expel all the tar in my lungs

but we all know that smokers cant rid themselves of all that sludge.

it just stays there forever.

i sound like the schizophrenic in that book, although i don't think I'm a schizo.

I'm not Van Gogh enough to go nuts.

van gogh hadn't smelt that terrapin, you see.

i hope no one would think I'm crazy.

i just need to talk like this every once in a while, if not i'll get too overwhelmed by all the logic in the world.

Its a newton law.

something that goes along the lines of 'for every reaction, there is an equal and opposite force acting upon it".

i think my quote has gone wrong somewhere...i dont know if i can use "force" like that because its been too long since i've done physics. i do recall that its f=ma though.

i just need to do this before i sleep it off and wake up a perfectly rational person again.

(:

goodnight.

for the hundredth time, i have an urge to destroy this blog.

i want to write beautifully like you do.

Figured it wouldnt matter since blogs are out-dated and nobody really comes here anymore, but it turns out that i still have some readership. (hopefully not "not-anymore" after my long and tedious post)

Thinking day had been good.

22nd Feb 2012.

I decided to text all the guides in my contact list to wish them a happy thinking day, and i must say, the responses have been uplifting and um, mean, in some cases.

My favourite response is Shiens.

She said that i was a waste of her time, and when i complained that she was mean, she said she thought i must have been used to it already.

:D

indeed, i have missed her meanness.

I texted usan and she gave me a handshake via sms haha.

Peishan sang the Hey Hey Hey, it's thinking day song! Fiona told me some thinking days ago that that's her favourite thinking day song.

My most missed juniors had also given upbeat replies:)

Wish them all the best in tackling school life.

(poor cryst i think she hadnt received my text because she's having a ball with her london ang moh boyfriend - mock horror-)

Esther and i chatted about our work life,

and...oh no i'm unravelling the nitty details of my life.

right.

Oh, just to add, The Old Guide Qianting was a joy to text too.

right. i'm really stopping this expanding list.

NEW TOPIC.

Birthday.

It had been good.

Was happy the entire morning because i had been given a good surprise by hanxi and chualiwen.

Was walking hurriedly to the mrt for work when i bumped into the two of them, on their way to surprise me at my house! They said Wanying was going with the cake too.

How awesome, simply by virtue of their presence to greet my day.

Han and Chua travelled with me, and passed me the always-practical, always-cool, and always-loved gift. Wan had also come to pass me cake yesterday from her atas workplace.

Really thank you guys.

Work had gone smoothly, though nobody had known that it was my birthday until the last hour of work. It was by pure chance that they had known, thanks to Eric, whom i believe is my gui ren (the 2012 zodiac thing says people of my zodiac will have unstable careers but that benefactors will help us pull through).

Met my family out for a good dinner.

Really good dinner. Everyone was dressed...not entirely to the nines, but close enough (inserts a meme here).

I had been poor company, probably PMS-ing, but i gave myself the luxury of being a prick despite knowing that others deserve a good time anyway.

My terrapin died on my birthday.

Way to go, birthday girl.

From then on, the oestrogen took over and made everyone's lives miserable.

The following day was just another friday.

Checked facebook, saw many notifications.

Many had wished me a happy birthday, and it had especially heartened me to see that some had put in effort to make the greeting more personal.

Thank you all, for your kind greetings.

(:

i'd like to reply to all of you, but all your lives are so interesting that i cant tear myself from the newsfeed for long, hence i extend my apologies to those who have been affected and i wish to express my collective thanks here.

RIGHT, next topic.

2nd March is coming, and although i havent received formal notice, i have been conditioned to believe that this is the most recent forecast of doomsday.

guess the 2012-end-of-the-world supporters had been serious after all.

Oh and Harold Camping, 21st Oct 11 didnt happen because 2nd march must happen first.

http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/headlines/2011/10/harold-camping-predicts-end-of-the-world-again/

Personally, i dont see A level results day as doomsday.

It's just any other day to me, and i'm just collecting some silly transcript that i dont deserve.

I deserve better.

Given my capacity to perform, i should have done so much better than i had.

I can already imagine my results slip ending with "I TOLD YOU SO".

Well what's done is done.

The art peeps are gna visit The Farm afterwards for some banana p--- dessert thing.

:)

am excited.

Have been talking to hanxi about it haha.

i'm meeting the Dragons later.

Am reading a book. wants to get back to it asap.

goodbye.

I get that.

It is 8.50am.

I should have reached work 20 minutes ago.

Was waiting...hoping for jyps's call. They said they might call at 6.45am for me.

Might.

So I set alarms 5minutes apart from 6.15 to 7.45 to wake before they call so I wouldn't sound groggy, and to still wake for work if they wouldn't call me. Wake I did, but I lay in bed until 820am and still, they hadn't called...so now I can only do OT in the noon. Am too late for a full day of work. How wasted since I have nothing better to do, and I'm awake anyway.

Yesterday was good. Met family after work to celebrate my brother's birthday. Got him a terrapin and my parents aren't too thrilled. It's an intelligent creature, and the liveliest of its bunch. While all the others were lazing in pet safari, it was swimming in the middle of the pond thing like a maniac. It's shell is a lighter share of green than the rest so it looks younger, and it's eyes are very clear. They seem to be thoroughly black.

I need to report to work at 1pm. What should I do before that?

Today is supposed to be my off day so I should rest. I have to work on Saturday anyway and from last week's experience, working 6out of 7days really takes the life out of me. Yet I don't know how to rest. Do I continue to lie in bed and let 'rest' slip into 'laze' or should I read? Should I go get some sun since its so rare with my office job? The artificial lights and fake tans from the scanner will never compare to the real light-giver.

I have to feed the terrapin. It doesn't have a name yet. My brother couldn't think of a name besides mine, added "jr"... Figures-.- my name is just too awesome. Haha.

I hope to walk by the canal today:D

Ttyl.

I'm only free on one of the days out of the 4 she had proposed so she might not want me after all.

I am terribly down now.

Read that blogging is therapeutic on Today newspaper some days ago so I decided to voice my sorrows here.

I really hope she can still use me, just for one day.

Misses JYPS much, and wants to teach little kiddos!

Hope my A level results can pull through although I am prepared for...dang upon typing that, I realised I'm anything but prepared...but anyway, hope it pulls through so that I can teach some time.

By the way I met Eunice on the way to work today:)

Junyuannnnnn please call and say you need meeeeeeeeee.

Oh I read on the train today, about a boy who got leukemia. Nice story.

Got too caught up and missed my stop (by quite a bit). Lucky I had meant to be a bit earlier today and was only punishable for being late by minutes.

Junyuannnnnnnnnn please say you need someone for one dayyyyy. You don't have to pay me!!!!

Am annoyed easily sometimes. Is it that my tolerance for them's just lower than for others, or that they're good at being offensive and irritating?

I like to look far ahead as I walk along the canal. I like how the trees overlap the sky from my point of view. It's like I'm living in a greeting card.

I want to just sit by the path and stone. I'm good at thinking about nothing in particular. I think that's how I stay sane, although I might look otherwise while I'm at it. Too bad there are people jogging by the path...I can't just plop myself down in this case.

I think I am talented. I don't know how to make the best use of myself.

There is an orangey red plastic bag that has just floated past me. I think I should scoop it up but I can't reach into the canal without a tool.

I think I regret saying that im talented. If I were, I'd be something by now.

I just heard a duck. Perhaps it's a toad which sounds like a duck.

I like to think disjointedly when I stroll. Just skim the surface of my thoughts and move on.

Life is so easy like this.

Yay I'm on the way home. Can watch drama with my dad and read my history-fiction.

Sometimes I think they expire. Yea, they grow little films of clouds, like the mould on stale bread. I'd like to paint what I see in my head. Perhaps I'd name it FTE.

The word of the day is Abruptly. I like how it sounds today.

I've been meaning to blog since weeks ago but I always reach home in need of immediate sleep. In my first week of working, I went out with friends after I knock off almost everyday to make each day still feel like a holiday. Ending a day on a high note tends to have that effect. Yet work life has started to become increasingly tiring, and I almost always sleep too early to do anything except the essentials for survival(eat, clean, talk to my family, sleep).