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Monday, May 27, 2013
I think the right word to use is 'complacent', but why.
I want it more than ever, and yet goals, no matter how short, are just too far away from the instantaneous. That's what makes it so difficult. I'm always hovering above the desire to change, but yet I fall short of the change itself.
Anyway, on a separate matter, I discovered some files from long ago triggering memories that serve no purpose beyond creating nolstalgia. Should I destroy evidence of that past if it isnt going to help in any way in the future, and if it could even be detrimental to the memories I'm creating now, as well as future memories I would make? Is it right to doctor what is documented of my past by omission, if the past will bring pain to the present?...or is it immoral to not do something about it knowing that it could somehow lead to something undesirable in the future? The temptation to preserve that past just to prove that I had once existed is strong, but what if I want to start life afresh and be reborn into the present, where the ones who truly matter have stood the test of time?
Sometimes I don't know if I should acknowledge that part of myself as well as what had existed between us, and for years I have been convinced that it was all imagined on my part...but going through those files have made me realize otherwise. Boy am I glad it's over though. I'm so happy with what I have now. I think this is what I truly deserve.
(:
...although yes, I could work on that complacency. Besides that, I'm great.
To think I used to blog in codes in those days too. How lame. I'm ashamed of myself, as I will be again when I read this years later. Yet what is aging except to look back at yourself for a laugh?
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Drakon
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