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Saturday, December 24, 2011
I feel unwell. It is probably a physical reaction to my mental unease, and I have somewhat been led to believe that it's called holiday stress. It feels better knowing that this condition has a name. Gives me more pseudo control. I've tried finding out what's made me feel sick. Is it the excessively sedentary lifestyle that comes with avid reading, or that I have been meeting too many people, making too many plans, and in turn, overworking myself ironically during my holiday? Or perhaps it comes from having a sudden loss and not having school bells dictate my whereabouts. Maybe it's because I can't severe some ties that stalk and suffocate me. Maybe it's the nerves that come from making suggestions that I fear I may not be able to sustain.
All I want for Christmas could be to cancel all my appointments, even that mysterious and somewhat stressful meeting with the school teacher and subsequently seab personnel; even with friends who are still dear to me; even the interviews that may land me in a fine part time job.
What an unfair gift my mind and body demands. It does not show me how to be accountable to those whom I cancel plans upon, and it does not address the issue in which I am sick, now, and I want an immediate remedy.
What a joyless Christmas this year.
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