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Monday, February 21, 2011
day5
will be rambling today. my challenge does not work. first, happy things: i just found out that Weian and my dear 6c45 horfuns (i dont know who, specifically) have set aside saturday evening for the class to spend my birthday with me!!! so touched that she/they planned this in spite of increasing workload and tests etc. next week econs test leh. and she remembered that i had a craving for fish n co some months ago (really quite random la. anyway i dont have that craving le lol) too! hao xi xin ya :D <3my awesome classfriends. happy thing number 2: mummy and papa's bringing us out on wednesday to that thai restaurant. yay family is <3 i feel like i havent known them since i graduated from kindergarten. time away from family is truly time wasted. happy thing number 3: actually nothing la. i just wanted to make it seem like i have alot of stuff to be happy about. lol. unhappy thing number 1 (please skip unless youre bored. i typed for the sake of documenting my frustrations for future reference): i am so exhausted that my homework thing seems unimportant. shouldnt have pulled that all-nighter, especially since i only stayed up to do art, and it turned out bad anyway. i have no direction. i dont know what i'm doing in art. Ms Gao says she cant tell me what to do, and i understand, cos this is A levels after all. but i feel as though i'm doing this using trial and error. i dont see any results. i dont know what kind of result i'm looking for. then during consultations i am suddenly asked things that i havent considered, like what i want to do, what is my next step, what will i explore, what models/drawings etc will i make? and i feel compelled to answer on the spot because theyre questions that i'm supposed to know i must ask myself de. but the thing is, i never actually know. i'm always caught unaware and unguarded and its my fault because i should be prepared. prepared for what, prepare by what, i dont know. just, prepared. its like, moe just gives me a deadline, asks me to find a project myself, and thats it. then i suddenly have to know what i want to work on, what to start with, etc, and yet, not have a definite end in mind cos i dont want to restrict myself in terms of creativity and exploration. i'm going around in circles. and its a very small circle too, cos i know that i'm not progressing in my coursework. just so you know, i dont regret taking art though. im interested in it. especially sova. during gp today, i was dozing as though i was on drugs; jerkily and clumsily, cos i did try to keep awake. i pinched and whacked myself, tore at my eyes, etc but they didnt work cos i was really so tired. yet the minute Mr Cave showed images of europe, all the duomo, La Pieta, paintings etc, i suddenly felt very awake. physically still sleepy la, but its like, my mind just freshens up. sigh. likes europe. well ya but anyway, Jackson Pollock, you are wrong. art is not about the process. its about the end. if your product is not appealing, its worth naturally falls. if it is a far cry from your intended look, it is a failure. H2 art makes me feel so stressed. i'd rather have bio test on 3 chapters every week in replacement of art's gruelling sessions. you think its just that 2 slots in my timetable? nooo, misters and missus, there are compulsory studio slots embedded everywhere. before i even think through what i really want to work on, i find myself rushing some craft to show that i had done 'work'. thinking is not work. its not concrete, and its not visual. ok i will stop talking about art now because i havent done my work and talking about it just makes me sound stupid. i havent even studied for bio test because ive spent all my time reading up junk, sifting through them to find relevant art stuff that i feel is worthy of telling Ms Gao about, and then finding that i dont have much to talk about because what i read up doesnt neccessarily link to my work/train of thoughts. i feel so sorry that she has a student like me. happy thing number 3: (the real one) i had mass pe today and ran with jasmine (plus kajun near the very very end). jasmine's so lovely(: happy thing number 4: i saw adeline today and exchanged numbers with her:D i miss p2! been singing patrol songs during my supposed h1 extra chem lesson. happy thing number 5: TOMORROW IS, no sorry, today, IS THINKING DAY!!!!!:D im not a yul/yal, but it'd be so cool just to jingli again. sigh:\ |
Drakon
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